My father used to say that if you try you may fail - but if you don't try, there is no chance that you will succeed. There is some inner logic to that. The secret is to identify, not with the failures that inevitable will be the consequence at times, but with the courage to try.
I have been amazed at the spread in age among people who decide to move abroad.
Children are moving with their parents or are born abroad. Students go out to study and perhaps stay out. Young people want to try their luck abroad or feel that international experience will enhance their career prospects at home. People on transfer programs are a group all by themselves; they need to have a certain seniority in the organization to be on an management track since sending people abroad is usually quite expensive for the organization. And finally there are surprisingly many people in their 40's and 50's who decide to make the jump on their own, with younger or without older children.
I am so impressed.
In this little series on psychosocial stages and how they apply to the expatriate experience, we have now come to discussing what Erik Erikson called Intimacy vs Isolation. In this stage we decide to give up a little of the "me" to invest it in the "us" - or we don't...
For those who move abroad at an earlier age than their late twenties when this psychological dilemma is usually determined, being raised or formed in multiple cultures can interfere with the ability to form intimate relationships. It can have resulted in an expanded and flexible attitude that will let in more candidates for consideration; we have learned that nice people come in many stripes. But it can also have made us confused and leaving us with a feeling of unworthiness because we don't feel we fit in.
I mentioned in the previous post how the "us" can be under pressure with the additional stressors a move to a foreign country/culture puts on a partnership. One half of the couple gets social needs covered through work relationships; the spouse's only social outlet is the working partner and eventual children.
Expatriation most often comes automatically with colleagues, it doesn't automatically come with friends.
People who move as a couple may see a conflict around creating new meaningful relationships with people in the host country. Before we start blaming all such problems on being abroad, we need to remember that forming meaningful relationships later in life can be a challenge no matter where we live. It can be a challenge to find people where both you and your spouse will get along with the other party and his/her spouse. But honestly, is that much different from the school friends either of you brought into your relationships?
The problem when moving is that we left our former relationships behind - moving creates an obvious need to go out and find new, good friends. And many who have "settled in" as a family may be a little out of training in that capacity.
Who are candidates?
The first people we meet are probably one party's colleagues. But do we want to socialize with them?
If one is transferred in a managerial capacity, the people one gets to know best are subordinates and socializing with these can be not done. You don't want to get into preferential treatment of some, there are power differences making it difficult - more in some cultures than others, who says that spouses will get along?, socializing may easily turn into business discussions which may be boring to half the people present. Would you have socialized with your employees at home?
Then there are peers. Here power differences are not as much of an issue. But unless you socialize with all peers, will it be seen as building fractions within the group? For spouses and boring, see the latter two arguments mentioned above.
So lets us move out of the office and see who lives in your street. Might you find friends there?
If you are on a short term contract (1-2 years), will other people put themselves out for you? It will hurt them when you leave if you have bonded. Don't confuse their hesitation with a rebuke on who you are; they may just be trying to protect themselves from loss.
I recommend looking for people who have been abroad themselves. There is nothing like having walked in the shoes to raise compassion. They also know that the local ways may not be the only ways and be more accepting of your foreign quirks. (And remember to keep in touch with your friends back home. You want them to be there for you when your contract is over.)
If you have special interests in sports, music, art, or take classes, you can find people with whom you will already have this interest in common. If you have children, you may meet likeminded people through school or playgroups.
Finally there are other expats. It doesn't matter if they are from you own country. It does matter, however, if you are ready to open up to them because they, too, may leave - and leave you missing them. Are you ready for risking that? They can teach you a lot if you dare engage - about your new country, about their home country, and about yourself.
How you have weathered your own Intimacy vs Isolation phase may now influence how your friend-finding-expedition will turn out. Remember, you have already shown unusual courage by moving abroad so you have more grit than most. Go out and invite somebody to join you in your dance.