One of the hot topics this winter has been a book arguing that some cultures support success more than others.
The Triple Package describes how a combination of Inferiority, Superiority, and Impulse Control characterizes the subgroups of immigrants that have succeeded in the US. The groups mentioned are Chinese, Jews, Cubans, Mormons, and Nigerians.
As I haven't read the book, I will not add my own comments to Chua and Rubenfeld's theory but refer to the reaction from some who have.
But I do want to explore the subject of Inferiority in this series of blogs.
Like so many other difficult emotions, our sense of inferiority is, according to the late psychologist Erik Erikson, formed during a phase where we were encouraged to explore and ask questions; encouraged to try again when we failed; and commended when we tried to master new skills. No, that is not what fosters inferiority. That is what fosters Industry - the happy outcome of having supporting parents and teachers. Inferiority arose when we were not encouraged, when failing to tie our shoes resulted in a never ending exasperated "Let me do it!" that taught us that we would never be good at anything.
Why do I keep bringing up these miserable subjects in my blogs?
Being tossed really out of our comfort zone puts all our adult resilience under pressure. Old, unresolved conflicts in how we relate to ourselves and our surroundings resurface when our hard earned knowledge of what is right and wrong behavior is questioned.
When we feel inferior we can either give up or try harder. If anything can be taken from (the snippets I have read about) The Triple Packed, it is the value of trying harder.
As an adult expat trying harder can be put into practice by taking language classes, studying local history and culture, making oneself vulnerable by asking questions when there is something hard to understand. I have often found that if I asked questions of the locals, they too reflected on why things were this way and not that - and in that reflection recognized that their ways were not always as straight forward as they assumed.
When we feel down we often overgeneralize our problems. Nobody likes me. I will never learn this. You always come home late - we never spend time together. Since these statements are factually not true, they don't help us. They only send us into a negative spiral.
More realistic statements could have been: "the woman in the check out line was unfriendly."; "learning something new is pretty hard, it has been a long time since I went to school but I can if I assert myself."; "you have been much away lately, I need us to spend more time together, let's get a sitter and we can spend three hours without children." Note that the feelings are recognized, not pushed away, and that it is healthy to voice one's needs in specific terms (it also makes them easier to fulfill.)
We can work on picking our stressors apart and support ourselves by building on small victories. After all, you did learn to tie your shoes, didn't you?